As a man and an official member of United Kingdom Zombie Defence League on Facebook it's only natural that I would have a zombie action plan. I formulated one for when I was at Uni in Swansea which consisted of raiding the Tesco that was conveniently opposite the marina where I planned to commandeer the lighthouse boat and party it out in the middle of the bay until it blew over and hoped the flesh-eating critters didn’t learn to swim. This is of course dependant on the realistic probability of zombies being real and whether they are Shaun of the Dead style or World War Z type of zombies. Preferably the Shaun style as that just looks more amusing than terrifying. But it got me thinking. I don't actually have an action plan for Reading, where I live now.
Having read the most rudimentary of internet searches on the subject, completed The Last of Us computer game, watched I Am Legend and the first couple seasons of The Walking Dead I like to think I would know what to do.
Step 1. My top priority would be to gather supplies needed to make it through whatever the environment and weather can through at me. Luckily, I was a cadet when I was younger and still have various bits of army surplus kit knocking around the house. Some of it pre-packed in an old ammo box ready to go. I wish I was joking. I would then be off to the closest shops to raid the aisles for medicine, dried and canned food and rum. While heavy, produce in tins have longer shelf lives which is important if you’re not sure how long you will be surviving for.
Step 2. To gather a rag tag bunch of dependable miscreants for companionship, protection and to help rebuild civilisation. Hopefully they will have some of their own supplies and won’t mooch off yours. And hopefully Pixie Lott, Kate Beckinsale and Eva Green are in my team. Drawing inspiration from tactical black ops units the team can't be too large in order to move swiftly with less chance of being detected and less mouths to feed should faecal matter hit the metaphorical air blower. Something to consider when selecting your team is could you, when required, cave in their skull if they turn? I have a few friends that frustrate me to the point of doing that regardless of their zombie status. I might struggle ending Pixie, Kate and Eva though.
Step 3. Arm yourself. Unlike our American cousins who walk around with guns like it's the wild west we have to make do with cricket bats and croquet sticks. While they work in films such as Shaun of the Dead I'm not convinced with their real-life practicality, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Bristol City Council have a zombie action plan (yes you read that correctly) along with the U.S Center for Disease Control and suggest using "improvised weapons" and "handcuffs and stun guns". Improvised weapons, maybe depending on your creativity and jungle militia experience, but which ever idiot though of handcuffs and stun guns needs a slap. Personally, I’d try and keep as much distance between the zombie and myself as possible.
Step 4. Location location location. It is recommended that should there be an outbreak of the eternally dammed head to rural areas with low population densities. With less people around the chance of zombie spread is reduced. Basic infection dynamics if you think about it. I would also head towards some form of military facility. They tend to have guns and a relentless form of discipline and structure that I'm sure would shrug off a breakdown in civilisation.
Step 5. Communication. How else are you going to stay updated with where the safe zones are or if it's all blown over? One of those wind-up radios would be the best option as you don’t know how long the power stations will be up and running for. With everything going digital I’m not sure they would work?
Although I may not be the best person to be stuck with in a situation like this compared to the likes of Megan Hine, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or Chuck Norris, I like to think I'm not the worst. As I won't be putting my CV on here you will just have to take my word for it. But in the event that this dooms day conspiracy theorists wet dream becomes a reality and you see me running at you with glazed eyes, grey skin, frothing at the mouth and unresponsive please at least have the decency to check that I'm not drunk or hungover before collapsing my cranium. I will be showing you the same courtesy to preserve your life. Until that time stay safe and good luck.
